I recently talked with well-educated woman in her 40s—let’s call her Beatrice—about her financial goals. Her response:

·         Make $85,000 in salary

·         Build a nest egg for retirement

·         Own a house that has room for a garden

Her financial goals are reasonable by many standards. But to her, they didn’t feel realistic.

Reality vs. Perception: How We Define “Realistic Goals”

The map is not the territory.

This phrase, coined by Alfred Korzybski, means that our representation of something—a map—is not the same thing as the reality of the thing—the territory. Likewise, our perception of something is not the same as what it really is.

I’ll give you an example. We were discussing the implications of aging populations on society the other day, and a student said that the government would have to provide expanded social services to take care of large numbers of elderly. I became animated after hearing the point and started asking the student many pointed questions, boiling down to “are you willing to pay higher taxes to support taking care of the elderly?” After class, he came up to apologize for upsetting me. But I was not upset! I loved his question and he took the conversation exactly in the direction I wanted it to go. His perception = I was upset, the reality = I was happy with the discussion.

The bottom line is that our perceptions of reality are unreliable and often very wrong. So where do our perceptions—which are inherently flawed—come from?

Your Environment Shapes What Feels Realistic

Where do our perceptions of reality come from?

I believe our beliefs about what is “realistic” are largely formed by our environment and the people we associate with. In my case, part of the reason I became an entrepreneur is that I felt that it was “realistic” for me to be successful because so many people in my personal network are successful entrepreneurs. So I thought, “if he can do it, why not me”.

In Beatrice’s case, I suspect that her questioning of whether a person can realistically own a house, have healthcare, and an $85,000 salary is a function of her social circle. If people in her community don’t have these things, then it’s understandable that she may believe that she can’t have them either. By contrast, if she was in a workout group with Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, she would be asking different questions about what realistic financial goals look like.

All of us live in bubbles. But the bubble we live in (and most importantly the people we share it with) colors our perception of what the world outside looks like. If we live in a bubble with a bunch of entrepreneurs, we think every new technological advancement is an opportunity for us to found a company and make a billion dollars. If we live in Beatrice’s bubble, getting to $85,000/year feels impossible because nobody else in the bubble has gotten to it either.

The Comfort Zone and Realistic Goals

Ultimately, none of us have perfect information about what is truly realistic, and there is no way to ever truly know. We can only discover the outer limit of what is realistic by attempting to go beyond it.

I don’t know if Genghis Khan believed that conquering 18% of the Earth’s land mass was realistic. Did he look at historical data and calculate that “aspiring warlords conquer 10-30% of the Earth’s land mass so 18% is a conservative but realistic target”? Did he talk to his peers and decide that, “well some other guy got to 16% but forgot to feed his horses, so if I fix that, I can get to 18%”? Or did he say, “I want to conquer the world” and just went as far as he could?

There is no data set or peer feedback that will give us an accurate picture of what is realistic. When Beatrice is concerned that $85,000 might not be realistic, but she is certain that $55,000 is realistic, that just means $55,000 lies inside her comfort zone. She knows how to get there. $85,000 is scary not because it isn’t possible, but because she doesn’t know how to get there yet.

The world responds to effort. Genghis Khan put in the effort and went far. But when we’re afraid that we might fail, many of us don’t try. It’s our fears about reality that stop us from trying.

Choose Your Echo Chamber

Nobody has a true understanding of reality. The map is not the territory.

But since our perception of reality is colored by our social environment and circumstances, it will shift if we shift our social groups. If you want to be an entrepreneur, do what you can to be around successful entrepreneurs. If you want to be a writer, be around people who write. If you want to be a good dad, be around other dads who prioritize their family.

At the end of the day, I have a choice. Do I want to be around people who expand the scope of reality for me, or people who shrink it?

Realistic goals aren’t fixed. They are a moving target scoped by effort, environment, and belief. Our choice is to expand or contract that definition for ourselves.

Exercise

Journal on the following or discuss with a friend.

1)      Inquiry

What things do I consider realistic for myself to achieve, and what do I consider unrealistic?

What secret desires do I have that I judge to be unrealistic?

If I go for the unrealistic things I want, what am I afraid will happen? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of the sacrifices I know I must make to get the things I want?

2)      Observation

Do others in society have the things that I want? If I asked them, would they say these things are realistic or unrealistic for me (or others) to have?

What stories do I tell myself about why it is realistic for others to have the things I want, but not realistic for me to have them?

3)      Choice

If I desire to have something that feels unrealistic, what can I say about how the people in my environment shape my perceptions of what is realistic?

Can I choose to alter my perception of what is realistic for me by altering my social circle?

What is a social group I feel drawn to, but haven’t engaged with yet? What is the smallest action I can take to engage with a new group of people?