In Part 1 of this note, we talked about how to use fear as a guide to the actions that have the highest potential impact for us. In Part 2, we examine what our recurring, long-held dreams say about our path forward.

The Lingering Dream: Why Some Goals Never Fade

My emotions & finance conversations with people tend to be long. Sometimes, a person reveals some long-held goal, dream or aspiration, usually with words that sound something like, “You know, I’ve always wanted to…” Often, it is something creative or service-oriented. One man I talked to has always wanted to open a proper Indian chai shop. Another man has been thinking about volunteering for Big Brothers/Big Sisters for over 15 years. I think a lot about running for political office, and have since I was 19.

I believe these lingering dreams are important, as they speak to some element of identity that we aspire to. The dreams aren’t fleeting—they may not be on our minds every day, but we periodically return to them. This week’s election was a reminder for me that there’s a lot of other people out there talking to people about their problems and what they are going through in their lives, but I am not. For the men who want to open the chai shop and be a Big Brother respectively (both of whom are friends of mine), I’ve heard them talk about this aspiration more than once. Neither of these paths are lucrative—the dream has something to do with the type of person that they want to be.

The Role of Fear: Why We Avoid What We Want Most

As usual, what blocks us from being the people we want to be is fear.

The fear takes a variety of forms—fear of failure, fear of change, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown, fear of hardship, even fear of success. The would-be chai proprietor is well-compensated in a lucrative industry—pursuing the dream would mean trading stability for financial insecurity. In my case, as I reflect on my fears, it’s a bit of all-of-the-above—certainly fear of change and failure, but more viscerally, “what if people don’t like me?” (I’ve heard it said that politicians, deep down, are just people who desperately want to be liked.)

In cases where the lingering dream connects to a very deep, fundamental type of identity—as I suspect is the case for the man desiring to participate in Big Brothers/Big Sisters—the fear is potentially even more powerful. Stepping into that identity represents a drastic change in our lives, the kind of change that demands many other things be sacrificed in pursuit of that core identity. In a way, acting on the dream acts as a “path of no return,” like Cortes burning the boats. Once we walk down the path of this core-identity dream, there’s no going back to the life we have now—we abandon the identity we have right now, which we are comfortable with, for a new and unfamiliar identity. That’s scary.

The Emotional Cost of Unfinished Business

Holding on to an aspirational dream without acting on it creates its own kind of quiet suffering.

Years upon years of repeated inaction take a toll, building up as a kind of calcification in the soul. Every time we think about the dream, or see someone else pursuing the dream, we start to feel a sense of incompleteness or even resentment. The fear that prevents us from taking the action eventually morphs into sadness or regret, a forlorn longing for “what could have been.”

There is also the ongoing tension between wanting change and fearing it. We all know that when we do something scary, the fear vanishes on the other side. A part of our psyche knows that this will be true when we finally act on the dream, but before then, we are stuck in a loop of “should we or shouldn’t we.” We come up with all kinds of rationalizations as to why we “shouldn’t,” but the other emotions—the resentment, the regret, the “I could have” keep building up. Even if our rationalizations are persuasive, the part of us that knows the dream matters doesn’t go away. We may get the safety we crave in the short term, but we pay the long-term price in bitterness.

Identity and the Gap

I want to close with a final point on identity.

To me, the lingering dream is a clue about the person that we want to become. Sometimes, we don’t pursue the dream because we feel that we lack the qualities of the type of person that does pursue that dream. I find it useful to ask myself, “what kind of person pursues that dream”—e.g., what kind of person becomes a Big Brother, opens a chai shop, or runs for office. Then I ask myself if I am that kind of person.

For many people, there will be a gap between the kind of person that “opens a chai shop” and their perception of themselves. The difference between “me” as I am and “a politician” is the gap, the area of growth for the person. The path of growth for the individual is more important than the specifics of the dream. The question then isn’t really about the dream, but rather, how do I become the kind of person that I dream of becoming?

Exercise

Journal on the following or discuss with a friend.

1)      Reflection

What are your long-held, recurring dreams? Ideas that you have held for many years, but never acted on?

Have you always wanted to open a coffee shop?

Write a book?

Teach a skill?

Learn a skill?

Be in a play?

Whatever it is, take note of it more than thinking about it—say it out loud or write it down.

2)      Examination

What has stopped you from pursuing this dream? Does it represent a significant change in your life? What would you have to give up?

What emotions come up as you examine this long-held dream? Fear? Regret?

What kind of person pursues the dream that you have? What qualities do they have, that you lack?

The difference between that imaginary person and you is the gap. That is the area of growth.

3)      Action

You already knew what this step would be!

What is the smallest, concrete step towards making this dream a reality?

Can you map out an action plan?

Can you speak to someone who is already pursuing your dream?

If the dream feels too big or too scary, can you begin learning a related or prerequisite skill?